Dear Love Blogger,
My boyfriend and I have been together for 7 months now. We live together and pretty much act like we're married. We've been through a lot together and I always thought we had an awesome relationship because we were always honest with each other, or so I thought.
Before we started dating he was with this girl from another state. They were only together for a few months I think, but she was honestly crazy. Him and his friends would tell me stories about how she was an alcoholic and addicted to Xanax and pain pills. When she would get drunk she would put herself in danger as well as act violently towards my now boyfriend and anyone else around her. My boyfriend said that he had decided to finally call it off with her when she destroyed his car and tried to harm herself, off course she was drunk when she did all of this. Recently I noticed my boyfriend had been acting a little standoffish towards me, and in particular had been very protective of his phone. He would even bring it in the bathroom with him when he was going to shower.
With my previous relationship I was cheated on, and one of the signs of his infidelity was him keeping his phone close to him at all times. So of course due to my previous experiences with relationships, when I noticed my boyfriend beginning to do this it was like flags were raised and I started to become paranoid and wonder what was going on.
When I first asked him why he was so attached to his phone he said that it was for no reason and didn't even notice that he was doing it. So it stopped for a week or so, but then his suspicious actions began again. Then one day he finally left his phone out while in the shower. Now normally I wouldn't go through his phone unless he gave me permission or what not, but I had a gut feeling something was going on. And come to find out, I was right. He had been talking to his crazy ex- girlfriend for a few months now.
Their conversations were harmless, but it was the fact that he lied to me about talking to her. And she admitted to still having feelings for him, but he hadn't said anything like that back to her, at least in the text messages. And to make matters worse he saved her number under the letter "C". So after a few days of seeing all this, we were sitting in the living room watching t.v. and his phone rang. I looked at his phone before he could snatch it up and the caller i.d. said "C". My response was, "Wow, you think I'm stupid." By the look in his eyes I could tell he was caught off guard and he didn't know what to say. I leaned off of the couch because I started crying from frustration, and behind me I could hear his fingers clicking his phone keys. Turns out he was changing "C's" contact number to another friend of ours' number that has the same area code.
I went into the bedroom because I could feel a meltdown coming on. After I was in the room for a few minutes he walked in and asked me why I was freaking out, and said that I have no reason for not trusting him blah blah blah. Little did he know, yet, that I went through his phone and that I knew the truth. He tried to turn everything around on me and completely make me feel bad for saying that he lied to me.
His actions afterwards showed that he knew he was guilty. He was acting super sweet towards me the days following the incident. Then I told him that I went through his phone and I knew the truth, and he continued to lie to my face. After arguing for a while, he finally fessed up and apologized for what he did. But that didn't take back what he did and what he tried to get away with. All I wanted was honesty. I didn't care if he was talking to his ex-girlfriend. All I wanted was for him to tell me he was talking to her. Now that I know that he was keeping it a secret from me, it makes me think that she still means something to him or that they still have somewhat of a relationship that's deeper than a friendship. It also sucks because he would always tell me how much he hated her, didn't want to be in the same state as her, how crazy and psycho she was, but all along he had been talking to her like nothing was wrong.
I want to try and make thing work, but I'm scared that I won't be able to completely trust him again. Even though this is the first time in our relationship where I've felt this way, it's a scary feeling for me and I'm not comfortable with it. What should I do?
Here's what Love Blogger SG had to say:
Dear Uncomfortable and uneasy,
I have to say that I am happy that you're catching your boyfriend with secrets after seven months as opposed to seven years. Take a look at the sentence that I just wrote. It included the words secrets and seven years. We’ll come back to that later.
From your message, I can tell that you have a lot of respect for yourself. You confronted him when you saw that she was calling and you asked him if he thought you were stupid. That's the healthy reaction to this situation, and you should be proud of yourself! However, he did underestimate your intelligence and to put it into perspective; he really didn't think you would figure out who he was talking to…. okay, now can you imagine if you were to spend seven years with this man and he's still hiding things from you?
I know that the two of you have formed a bond, and you do love him; however, seven months is not something that is too late to get out of. I would say that it might be time for you to explore your other options with men that are strong enough to tell you the truth instead of hide it from you. Second chances are great, but if you chose to stay with him, after a while issues like this will not seem weird to you anymore. Second chances turn into third, fourth, fifth, and on and on until you don’t even see a problem with this behavior anymore.
Wouldn’t it be easier to pull the band aid off now and find someone who can share honesty and truth with you? It’s hard to really love someone completely unless you know them completely, and unfortunately your boyfriend is not letting you know him. I think that there is someone out there that will show you who they are without hiding anything. That person will not tell you much about their ex girlfriend because frankly, that’s in the past. You’re their future.
I hope that this has helped you a little bit. No matter what you decide to do, I’m ready to answer your questions going forward.
Good luck and I’ll be thinking of you!
~SG
P.S. All relationships have their ups and downs, but on a normal day, the man of your dreams should make you feel like this:
Harper's Bazaar Australia November 2010
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